Jeff's Failed Try
by Mister Kerr
Summary: And thus we stick it to the unabashed self-insertion fics out there. Mary Sue my eye.


Jeff's Failed Try  
  
(Jeff, a rodent-sized human with red hair, walks up to Ranger HQ and   
knocks on the door. Chip answers.)  
  
CHIP: Can I help you?  
  
JEFF: Yes, I'd like to be a Rescue Ranger.  
  
(Chip is a bit startled by this, but recovers smoothly)  
  
CHIP: And who, may I ask, are you?  
  
JEFF: Well, technically, I'm the personification of the author, but   
to you I would be a dedicated, valuable, and handsome member of your   
team.  
  
(Chip looks Jeff over head to toe. Jeff nervously smiles.)  
  
CHIP (takes out a notepad): So, what are your qualifications?  
  
JEFF: Well, I can write music.  
  
CHIP (in an appraising tone): Uh huh.  
  
JEFF: And, I can try to make instant, improbable, MacGyver-ish style   
devices designed to get us out of tough spots.  
  
CHIP: We already have Gadget for that. (points with his pencil to the   
left, toward the hangar ledge where Gadget is working under the Ranger   
Wing.) She's right over there. Hey, Gadget!  
  
(Gadget stops working for a second, manages a quick "H'lo!" and gets   
back to her tinkering.)  
  
CHIP: Anything else?  
  
JEFF: I can make witty remarks about any problem, turning a serious,   
heavy-handed predicament into a light-hearted, easily handled   
situation.  
  
CHIP: OK, we have Dale for that. (looks inside door) Right, Dale?  
  
(Dale is watching TV and doesn't look up)  
  
DALE: Quiet, Chip! The Red Badger has cornered the evil Local 401 on   
behalf of the management and is going to demand that they give up   
their union benefits!  
  
(Chip does a double take)  
  
CHIP: Really?  
  
DALE: No, actually, it's some mad scientist with a big missile. But   
it's still scary!  
  
(Chip turns back to Jeff, who is now perspiring visibly)  
  
CHIP: Describe in one sentence what valuable skills you could   
contribute to this team.  
  
(Jeff thinks hard. A little too hard.)  
  
JEFF (blurting out): I have my own car!  
  
CHIP (skeptically): A human-sized car?  
  
JEFF (a bit more confident):Yep. A human-sized car, right over there.  
  
(Jeff points to a gray Ford Escort station wagon with a handicapped   
license plate, parked not far away)  
  
CHIP (after looking for a second): That's your car?  
  
JEFF: Yep.  
  
CHIP: You own that car?  
  
JEFF (a bit nervously): Well, my mom does. And it can park in   
handicapped spaces.  
  
CHIP: And how, praytell, do you drive it?  
  
(Jeff suddenly realizes he's rodent-sized and can't drive the car   
anymore. All he can do is grin like an idiot while Chip glances over   
his notes again. There is a painful silence.)  
  
CHIP: What was your name again?  
  
JEFF: Jeff.  
  
CHIP: Jeff, do you know what the Rescue Rangers do?  
  
JEFF: Sure I do, they fight crime and help those in trouble.  
  
CHIP: And how will writing music or claiming to have a human-sized car   
help our team fight crime and help those in trouble?  
  
JEFF: Uh. . .  
  
CHIP: Why do you want to be a Rescue Ranger?  
  
JEFF: Because you guys are the best and I just want to be part of the   
team!  
  
(Chip lets out a sigh.)  
  
CHIP: I'm sorry, Jeff, but unfortunately at this time we have no need   
for--  
  
(Dale bounds into the doorway, knocking Chip aside and to the floor)  
  
DALE: Hey, Chip! Who're ya talkin' to?  
  
CHIP (slightly muffled due to the fact that his jacket is now over   
his head): What's the big idea?  
  
JEFF: I wanna be a Rescue Ranger!  
  
DALE: Really? That's great! But, (suddenly suspicious)you're not one   
of those, uh, Sue Mary thingys, are you?  
  
JEFF (completely befuddled, but trying hard not to show it): Not at   
all.  
  
DALE: Great! Let me show you around!  
  
(Meanwhile, Chip has composed himself and now confronts Dale.)  
  
CHIP: Dale, what are you doing?!?  
  
DALE (defensive): I was just being nice. If you wanna confuse this   
guy with all your notepad mumbo-jumbo, then--  
  
CHIP (defensive): That's what I'm supposed to do! We can't just let   
anybody be a Rescue Ranger!  
  
DALE: Oh, yeah?  
  
CHIP: Yeah!  
  
(Chip and Dale are nose to nose and start their trademark chattering   
arguement. Jeff, still with a forced smile, looks from one to the   
other.)  
  
JEFF: Uh, maybe I'll pass on the Rescue Ranger idea. Maybe I'll try   
being one of the Mario Brothers, Pitfall Harry, or a Star Trek TNG   
character, because those were my other childhood daydreams.  
  
(Jeff walks away, leaving the 'munks behind still arguing.)  



End file.
